Hey Philadelphia! Protest This!

There's a new hero in Philadelphia. On Sunday, Mike Vick celebrated his third game in a row with a quarterback rating over 100, and looked absolutely brilliant in the Eagles slaughter of the Jacksonville Jaguars.

It was only one short year ago when the streets outside of Lincoln Financial Field were lined with protesters concerned with Vick's dogfighting conviction. They spent hours in the rain almost religiously chanting for his demise and exile from the city. It was their life's mission to ruin his shot at a possible comback and career resurrection, and they demanded to be heard.

Fast forward to today. The citizens of the City of Brotherly Love can be heard chanting Vick's name in bars as well as the office on Monday mornings, and number 7 jerseys are becoming increasing difficult to find in stock in local sportswear stores. In Philadelphia, winning is everything, and it is increasingly clear that Mr. Vick has been absolved of past sins. The (very) few remaining protesters are now met with anger and flying beer bottles, cheesesteak projectiles and bodily fluid disdain by the fans entering the stadium. This sideshow alone would be worth the price of admission, even if the Eagles weren't playing so well.

Mike Vick has obviously figured out the formula to be forgiven by society in 2010 and has exposed the fickleness of the American people for everyone to see. He has now provided a roadmap for public redemption. Stay tuned for the inevitable press conferences to announce that Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and that guy who jumped down the Jet Blue slide have hired agents, and will be trying out for the Philadelphia Eagles back up quarterback spot. (Apologies to current back up quarterback Kevin Kolb, we know it's been a real long week dude...)

Paris Hilton Denied Entry Into Japan, Recession Forcasted For Japanese Drug Dealers

It seems the Japanese aren't overly hospitable to Western billionaires who are serving suspended sentences for drug convictions. After being detained and denied entry into Japan for her recent legal troubles, Paris has decided to throw in the towel on her most recent trip. One of her reps has posted the following:

"Paris Hilton has decided to return to the U.S. after a lengthy delay at Japanese immigration. Paris is very disappointed and fought hard to keep her business commitments and see her fans, but she is forced to postpone her commitments in Asia. Paris understands and respects the rules and laws of the immigration authorities in Japan and fully wishes to cooperate with them. Paris looks forward to returning in the future to a country she loves and has been coming to for the past 10 years."

It is still unknown how her heartbroken fans in Asia will react to these sudden developments.

Paris Pleads Guilty, Avoids Jail Time

Paris Hilton pleaded guilty this morning on two misdemeanor charges. One count of possesion of a controlled substance, and one count of lying to a police officer in relation to her recent arrest in Las Vegas for cocaine possession. In exchange for her plea, she was given a one year suspendended sentence, received a $2000 fine, and has to perform 200 hours of community service.